Day 64 - People pleasing

I was today years old when it hit me that my indecisiveness is form of perfectionism.

I don't like being indecisive, but sometimes it can be really annoying. Like how I can't decide on what to eat (not a good example, because a lot of people can relate to this), or maybe if I had the choice to choose between siu bak or char siew, which one will it be? There was one time I didn't know what to order. I wanted to char siew, but I know everyone else is getting siu bak and I didn't want to be a burden because that might mean a separate order just for myself.

You might say why the heck would you care? Just order what you like. I know, but like I said I didn't want to be a burden.

That's just a small example. Sometimes it affects work, sometimes in my circle of friends when I can't make a simple decision. I overthink.

I didn't want to trouble people. I wanted people to like me. I wanted to please others. I'm a bit better now but it still happens.

This probably stems back to when I was in school. This was before high school. Did you know that kids can be horrible and mean? I had to restrain myself from being myself too much because being myself had me shun. Shun is a strong word. But really, as a kid, I could tell that the other kids didn't really like me all that much because I was very active. My identity started warping then. I became quieter. I didn't form my own opinions because that isn't the way things work. There wasn't any individualism.

Now that I'm older, I'm suffering from the consequences. Now that I'm aware of it, I'm trying to be more mindful of my decisiveness. Am I just overthinking? Or do I really not know what I wanted? It's hard to override what has been part of me for years, but it's a start. I can feel I'm better at it now though. Now that I know that indecisiveness is a form of perfectionism, I'm working my ass to unlearn it. It being perfectionism.