Mid year reflections for 2026

Reflections from the 6-7 months so far. (May contain “woo-woo” that’s helpful to me)

1. I can easily name the happiest I’ve ever felt in recent years, and that was by the coast in Ibusuki in Japan back in March. It was a combination of the sun in cold weather, the sound of waves beating against the shore, the smell of sea salt water in the breeze. I ran on the running path by the shore, by myself with no one else around. It was so peaceful that I felt so incredibly happy and grateful to be alive. Nature has a way of reminding me that my problems are actually not that monumental, and I’m part of it all. I soaked in all of nature’s glory to the point that I could still tap into that heightened joy and gratitude whenever I want now. And when I do, everything becomes okay again.
   1. I urge you to find something similar in your life.
2. There’s this tweet —“I really think there’s a correlation between survival mode & not decorating your home” — that hits home for me. It was only this year that I really intentionally decorated my home, which is also a reflection of my current inner state: My nervous system more regulated, my mental state calmer and kinder. And it was only last month that I became more welcoming and more comfortable in having more people into my home.
   1. When you have too much going on in life, you really are just trying to survive. When I first moved in, my home was quite bare and I only had the essentials like a sofa in the living room, a dining table, and some chairs. I was still in my stressful full-time job and my relationship(s) had just ended. A year later when I was in a better headspace with a bit more time, I got few more pieces of simple furnitures to fill up my space. This year I can definitely say it feels so much more like home.
   2. During my recent house party, a few friends even complimented that my home looks like a cafe. The low-ambient lighting and my curated house music playlist helped, especially my childhood disco ball that I brought back from my family home. But I like to think my taste has also improved in recent years. Never felt more proud of myself with my interior design accomplishment.
   3. This is coupled with pampering myself a bit more like using fancier shampoo and body lotion, and nicer PJs rather than a random extra large t-shirt. There’s nothing wrong with normal things but I want to give more back to myself.
3. Sometimes I find it difficult to justify my spending, even though I may be pampering myself a bit more now. When I make a slightly bigger payment, I feel this tiny sinking feeling in my stomach that I'm spending more than I’m receiving money. I wouldn’t consider my lifestyle to be extravagant though, so I’m not spending carelessly. Even though I have a safety net, I still can’t help but worry that it’s running out.
   1. Even though I might say “I want more money”, my body tenses every time I spend something which unconsciously reaffirms that I do not have money (I still have money, but this dissonance might be creating money blocks). The mind works in interesting ways. I’m a big believer in having an abundance mindset, even though I’m still strengthening my mind-body connection.
   2. It’s not positive thinking, but it’s believing that I’m already whole without the thing I desire, which reinforces my mind to attract it. It’s not constantly thinking, hoping, praying for something that I don’t have, because that’s being overly-attached. It signals that I’m “lacking” of something.
   3. It’s a woo-woo thing, I know, but I have manifested things in the past and they worked. I’m sure there were a few cases where you offhandedly wanted something, but you got what you wanted some time later? Yeah, that.
   4. I try to take a deep breath when that feeling comes in and reassure myself that I’m safe and it’s okay to spend. It’s to nourish me and I have enough.
4. I’m trying to believe the same for my career too. My background is product management (software) but I’ve been marketing myself as a product designer (also software). I want to actually design the product. The ideal scenario is I get to do both, but most people desire and seek out product designers for projects. I had set up my portfolio on my personal website, reconnected with old connections, networked with new ones. Not many good leads, but I have something brewing for a few months now.
   1. I’m thankful that at the same time I’m also focused on putting together Garden Symphony (a group art exhibition being organised by me and my friends), otherwise I’d have spiralled for not “busy working” or “earning enough” for so long. It still takes some time to detach my self-worth from a job and bank balance, after all. I’m actively working on it through much self-reassurance and developing more self-trust, to name a few.
   2. It’s always good to have your eggs in different baskets, which is why I’m also grateful that I’m multi-faceted and have interests all over.
5. It’s why I’m learning how to surrender. In my earlier career days, I used to be so uptight about work. In recent years, I’ve let go of a lot of control and just allow things to be and run their course. And in my last job, I used to tell my previous colleagues “it’s okay to embrace a little chaos in life” at work. It gets tiring to want to have too much control, and it also means that I don’t have enough trust in myself or others to do their work. But this year I’m being challenged again, more so because I’m on my own path. I want full reins on how my uncharted path unfolds, but I also know that it’s probably better to let life unfold itself as I do the work. (Maybe that’s why astrology is fun) I’m very open to how life can surprise me.
   1. I don’t mean raising the white flag, being lazy and literally taking no action. Surrendering comes with doing active work, then trusting that the outcome shows itself. It’s the act of balancing both without being too attached or controlling of the outcome.
   2. “Control and surrender have to be kept in balance. That's what surfers do - take control of the situation, then be carried, then take control. In the last few thousand years, we've become incredibly adept technically. We've treasured the controlling part of ourselves and neglected the surrendering part.” — Brian Eno
6. Similarly when dating, if I get too attached to someone, it creates this push-pull effect on the other party. I thought I’d learned this by now, but my recent dates proved otherwise. The most annoying part is that I don’t even like them as much. And yet, the same pattern repeated itself. At least this time I got my bearings straight and moved on quickly.
   1. Most of the time, the attachment happens when I’m unknowingly chasing for some form of validation. Not flattery kind, the “being chosen” kind. When I’m not, I feel more free. I don’t get caught up wanting to be chosen or wanted. I choose myself and come back to myself. In my defence, my life isn’t affected by that attachment, but the anxiety does get annoying to deal with. (I also blame doomscrolling though)
   2. I want to be happy going on dates and having fun. I do have high standards but I don’t want to place unrealistic expectations on them. I read and hear from others that modern dating is not fun in recent years, but I don’t want that to be my experience anymore. I get to decide how I want to be take part in this.
7. I’m often reminded recently that my crushes are reminders of who I want to be but am lacking right now. They remind me that I like being with them because I get to embody and live through their energy and the traits I admire in them. Being around them makes me feel like the version of me that I strive to be. It’s almost as if I’m outsourcing my potential to my crushes, so I don’t have to put in the effort for my part.
   1. Changing my identity can be hard when I was so dependent on it for my survival in the past. But now, I’m safe. I can change and become a better version of myself. So, I don’t need a man to be whoever I want to be. I can feel stronger, lighter, more playful, more feminine, more whatever I want to be. And I’m allowed to embody that anytime I want.
8. In my friendships, I used to bond closely with some over shared “work trauma” over a period of time, but now we’ve drifted apart. With others, I no longer put up with their attitudes, so I slowly pull myself away from them. I used to want to “belong” in some groups or because of nostalgia, but now I’m wiser to ask myself if I even liked hanging out with them, to begin with.
   1. Do I leave the conversation with feelings of joy, inspiration, or anticipation for the next hangout? Or do I leave with my energy drained or forced to maintain the friendship? It’s easier to tell now.
9. There’s some truth in repeating old patterns until they finally sink in. I do believe that my problems have shrunk over the years because I’m getting better at managing them. They still exist but in the same-same but different form, which is why I hate myself for repeating the same-ish stories to my friends. I believe they understand where I come from, but it personally feels to me that I haven’t learned anything from my past lessons. BUT the truth is I’m only human too. I desire to be wanted and chosen and loved, at the root of it all. Most of all, it’s having more self-worth and self-respect than those desires.
   1. Maybe that’s why I don’t share too much with others. It’s like, oh there she goes again, spiralling in the same patterns. I feel embarrassed and ashamed, that it’s beneath me to even feel these things, that I should already have learned this by now, I should be “healed” by now. But again, I’m only human. At least I acknowledge my feelings and do the work to “heal” little by little. To be fair, I don’t believe anyone is “fully-healed” unless they become enlightened. It also shouldn’t stop us from doing the things we desire and deserving a good life anyway.
   2. I grew up thinking I only deserve something after earning it. What if it doesn’t have to be that way? What if I become more open to receiving without any expectations? What if, regardless of which stage of life I’m in or however much effort I put in, I deserve the thing I want? It’s something that I’ve been rewiring my brain to be more accepting of receiving.
   3. Channeling and being in touch with my anger (in a healthy way) kinda helps. Like, I fucking deserve to have this and that, and not being treated that way. My past self thought little of herself and the shit she had to put herself to please others that I need to protect her more than ever now. So if anyone takes advantage of her kindness or messes with her again, the me now is going to fuck shit up.
10. Self-worth is still a recurring theme, especially as I’m carving my own path in life, so to say. Self doubts come up from time to time, stuck in the older version of myself who was used to doing the “right” thing, but that’s only because there is no blueprint or map that I can refer to. However, I can safely say that I’m the MOST in tune with myself than ever before.
    1. I don’t need to earn the right to be worthy. I don’t need to earn the right to deserve something or someone. I don’t need to “fully heal” to do something or find my ideal partner. I can just be and enjoy my becoming at the same time.

Some things I did/doing so far: (In no particular order)

1. Made a zine.
2. Saw Ben Bohmer live.
3. Went to Japan twice this year, and another being planned in the third quarter.
4. Made micro websites by vibe-coding, and one of them (Message in a Bottle) went viral on Instagram.
   1. Even presented one of my micro website at a Designers Demo Night.
5. Didn’t think I’d join a run club and formed a new way to motivate myself to run more. But here I am.
6. Tried crossfit.
7. Actually doing product design work.
8. Hosted a house party for my birthday.
9. Actually teaching myself to DJ.
10. Made my art piece for our group art exhibition.
11. Still putting together our group art exhibition. (Happening THIS WEEKEND!)
12. Started obsessing over period C-dramas.

These things reaffirmed my suspicions that I shouldn’t be hung up with the goals I set in the beginning of the year, because things may change and new things come up.